Dead of Heart
by rebellsking
Summary: "You need this, don't you? To trust him." "I want to," she whispered. "I know I shouldn't but I want to so desperately." / Where Lily comes to understand there are many different types of love, and not everyone that can be loved is worth saving.


Lily, James and Sirius were sitting somewhere about northern London, and it had just started to rain. They sat on a bench hooded with trees, their shoulders level and tense, their eyes trained on a large towering building that was the Ministry of Magic.

"How do we know we can trust Dumbledore on this?" said James. His eyes, glinting and hazel behind his spectacles, were trained evenly on the many figures walking up and down the deep grey steps.

"He says he has a double agent," answered Sirius. "Someone working with the Death Eaters, right under Voldemort."

"But who _is_ it?"

"It's Snape," said Lily. She was looking down at her hands, folded across her black skirt. Her red hair, though pinned back about the middle, spilled over the sides of her face, shielding the expression there. After a moment, she raised her head, and James was gazing at her. She smiled a little. "Dumbledore told me to trust him."

"To trust _Snape_?" said Sirius. Lily nodded. "Clearly Dumbledore doesn't know what he's talking about."

Lily sighed. She turned her face away, and felt the raindrops skimming her face beneath the tree tops.

James was still watching her, curiously. Slowly, he asked, "Do you? Trust him?"

"Do I? No. _Can_ I?" She closed her eyes briefly. "Probably also no. I don't know."

James nodded, in a way where he seemed to be trying to understand. "Maybe we should."

" _James?_ " cried Sirius in disbelief.

"I trust Dumbledore. And if he wants us to believe Snape, then I'm willing to."

Sirius gazed hard between the two of them before shaking his head in defeat. "Well, all right. Sign me up then. What's the plan?"

. . .

James and Lily solemnly watched Sirius vanish among the crowd. They hadn't spoken for quite a few moments, their only interaction having been James taking Lily's hand in his own. Then gently, he asked, "Are you nervous?"

"Always." She looked at him. "Are you?"

"Surprisingly relaxed at the moment," he said, and simply looked at her, a small smile on his face.

She moved her hand towards her chest and laid it against her heart. James stroked his thumb across the back of her hand, beckoningly.

"You need this, don't you? To trust him."

"I want to," she whispered. "I know I shouldn't, but I want to so desperately."

"Maybe he's changed. Dumbledore's allowed him into the Order. That's a step somewhere."

She glanced sheepishly at her feet. "I always wanted that, you know? To be the one to save him."

"You can't save him, Lily. But maybe he'll do that himself."

Lily breathed deeply, and then brought James's hand to her mouth and kissed it. "Be safe."

"Nothing but." He smoothed his palm against the line of her jaw, tickled his fingers against her hair. He kissed her lips with his own, a tender moment against two loud beating hearts. "I love you."

She laughed. "I know." And she laced their fingers together once more, pressed a kiss into his wedding band. Her eyes poured into his, bright and sad and overflowing. "I'll see you soon."

. . .

Lily cleared her throat as she and Wilfred Taylor strolled down a long winding corridor. Aimlessly, she shot questions at him, listlessly scribbled under the pretense of recording his half-hearted responses. He was an older, weathering man, rather stark and uninteresting, and she had a sense he was more interested in his upcoming lunch than in her. But, according to the mission Dumbledore had assigned to James, Sirius and her, she was to remain with him. They'd received word – from Severus Snape, naturally – that one of the three lawyers working the Mulley's case in the law department was under the influence of Polyjuice Potion. Each was assigned their own lawyer, and would be required to observe him without ceasing to allow the potion to wear off. Then the Death Eater would be taken into custody for questioning by the Order members.

Lily watched Taylor nurse a flask, to which he ascribed was for medicinal purposes. While he explained the symptoms of his illness, she knocked it from his hand.

"Oh, dear – I'm so sorry!" Lily exclaimed. "I'm sure you'll be able to get more, won't you?" She made a point of retrieving the bottle from the floor and turning it entirely upside down.

"What have you _done_?" cried the man, who began to change in a gross, distorted sort of manner. She watched his face twist and warp violently, his whole body beginning to convulse.

But then before her eyes appeared Snape, and the image of Taylor vanished altogether. She recoiled in horror, yanking her hand away from his grasp. Her eyes and hair were wild from the whiplash. " _Sev_?"

"Lily," he gasped. The empty bottle clattered to the floor. "You—you've tricked me."

"I've tricked _you_?" "

"It was clever… I'd have never thought… to weed out the impersonator like that, I'd never have imagined…"

"Get the hell away from me. Don't touch me."

"You don't understand, Lily—"

"Please explain it to me then! Dumbledore told me I could trust you. Explain to me why I've been trying to find a criminal, and it turns out to be you?"

"The Dark Lord wants the Order members," he blurted helplessly. "None of the Order members are safe. This is the only way I could think of – it was a diversion, to split up – I was trying to keep you safe."

Her face crumpled. She wanted to scream so loud she set the whole place ablaze with her fury, with her terror. Lily breathed, "If James is hurt in any way, so help me God, Severus Snape, you will live to regret it."

"But don't you see? They would have taken you."

"This is _not_ about me. This has always been about you. It's selfishness. It's control. You talked me blue in the face while you knew he was about to die. I love him. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

His eyes were wide, unwavering. "No," he said. His eyes fell, briefly, in defeat. "But are you really surprised?"

"Take me to him then. To your Dark Lord. I don't want your protection."

"I can't."

"You mean you won't," said Lily. "Fine. I'll do it myself."

"Don't—"

She reached forward and grasped his arm. Before she could regret it, she dug her nails into his skin, along the black ink of his Mark.

"Lily! They'll come for you, and I won't be able to do anything to stop it!"

"You mean you _won't_ ," she repeated. It was as if she could feel it coming before they'd arrived; the warmth of the room was sucked outwards like the kiss of a Dementor, and her feet swirled with black smoke. She braced her jaw, eyes unafraid, and looked forward, waiting.

A man emerged from the darkness, a furious look burned into his face. Lily recognized him as Lestrange. He returned the recognition, and looking between the pair of them, began to laugh.

"I can't believe we're here again. Severus Snape, stuck between a woman and the Dark Lord. I have hopes that you're offering her to him this time instead."

Lily walked forward. "You'll find, Lestrange, that I am not a woman of sacrifice. I come voluntarily. I understand you've already apprehended several of my friends."

"Brave soul. Particularly for a mudblood. I'm nearly impressed." He pointed his wand at her, and a strong force came over her body. Pain burst from her fingertips and spread like fire to all of her body. Crying out, she fell to the ground and felt a metal grip stabbing her ribs, effectively immobilizing her.

"Severus," she cried. He was standing impossibly still, a frozen expression amassed his face. "If you love me like you think you do—"

"What is this?" said Lestrange.

"Then show me," finished Lily. Her eyes were watery from the pain of Lestrange's spell, but she did not take her eyes from his face. It felt like the last reach – the last chance for him to prove to her that he was the man he promised he could be. That his love, though selfish, could ring true. And it felt like dying, watching him then, like throwing him in the water and feeling him drown with her own lungs.

"Is that true, Severus? This mudblood woman – you love her?"

Snape stared at her. When she thought he was about to break, he looked away, and the expression was gone from her. A coldness overcame his voice when he said, "I don't know what she's talking about."

"I'm not surprised," said Lestrange. "Mudbloods." He moved towards Lily and ripped her upwards from the ground, a hand yanking her head backwards. As the image of Snape before her started to fade, she closed her eyes. They were drowning together, had always been. _In some way, I did love you, once._ But she was only sinking because she'd tried for so long to hold him upright. And then she opened her eyes and the world was upside down and he was gone. She had let him go, and had let him drown alone.

There was no saving the dead of heart.

. . .

 **A/N:** QLFC Round 7. Prompts "raindrops" and "Ministry of Magic," beater 2 for the Tornadoes with the prompt 'polyjuice potion.' Thanks for reading!


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